How to Deal with Aging Parents

Coping with the evolving needs of aging parents can be a significant challenge for adult children, especially as those needs intensify over time. As parents enter their golden years, they face changes in their physical and mental health, financial situations, and social needs, which can create stress for their children who are already juggling numerous responsibilities. The dynamic of the parent-child relationship also shifts dramatically; what was once a relationship defined by parental guidance becomes one of mutual support and, often, role reversal.

It's normal to feel anxious or frustrated if you find yourself at odds with your aging parents, who may have different expectations or limitations. However, understanding and adapting to these changes is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and ensuring your parents’ needs are met effectively. Here are some practical tips and insights for adult children navigating the complex journey of caring for their elderly parents, aiming to help you manage both their needs and your own.

1. Be Respectful and Understanding

Always remember that your parents are adults and deserve respect. Just because they might have difficulty doing everything themselves without help doesn’t mean they don’t still have the right to make their own decisions.

2. Understand the Causes of Behavior

Rather than focusing on your own anger in difficult situations with your parents, try to identify the motivation behind their actions. When you try to understand your parents, you might find that their behavior is actually a result of something deeper, which can help you respond more compassionately.

3. Prioritize Key Issues

When dealing with difficult parents, it’s important to choose your battles wisely. Identify the most pressing issues and be willing to compromise on less critical matters. Not every problem is worth fighting over.

4. Maintain Open Communication

Keeping communication frequent and open builds a stronger relationship. Talking to them regularly and visiting them often will let them know how much you love and care for them. This is likely to be challenging at times, especially for adult children who have their own busy lives and responsibilities. It’s important to be patient, flexible, and positive.

5. Manage Your Stress

Confiding in your friends, siblings, or even a care manager to relieve your stress about your parents is a great tactic for coping with elderly parents. It’s important to have a clear head when you interact with your parents, and having an outlet for your stress will keep you from taking your anger out on them.

6. Set Clear Boundaries

It’s necessary to decide how much bad behavior is excusable and whether a line needs to be drawn, especially if your parents struggle with controlling their behavior. Knowing your limits will make dealing with difficult parents a bit less overwhelming, because you’ll know when to step back. Stick to your boundaries and know it’s OK to say no.

7. Support Their Medical Care

Encourage your parents to see their doctor regularly for checkups and preventative care. Also set up a system to ensure they take medications on time and refill their prescriptions. They may say they’re fine, and even downplay pain or discomfort. The key is to push through that with tact and respect.

8. Promote Active Living

Staying active plays a key role in supporting physical and mental health. Motivate your parents to participate in activities they enjoy, such as walking, gardening, or playing games. Joining them for these activities regularly is a wonderful way to strengthen your relationship with them while also ensuring the activity is beneficial.

9. Foster Social Connections

Helping your parents maintain connections with friends and family is incredibly helpful. Social interaction is important for both physical and mental health. Encourage your parents to stay connected with friends and family by visiting, calling, or emailing them regularly.

10. Plan Ahead

Your parents won’t be able to live alone forever – and if they’re stubborn or difficult, it won’t be easy to convince them to change their lifestyle. Planning for future changes in their living arrangements allows your parents to be part of the decision-making process, easing the transition when it’s necessary.

11. Limit Your Caregiving Role

When coping with aging parents becomes too much, it’s time to look for outside help. In-home caregivers or Continuing Care Retirement Communities will give you the opportunity to step back from difficult situations and love your parents without having to be their primary caregiver. What’s so beneficial about a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) is that your parents can move in when they are still active and independent, and can play pickleball every day, get involved in activities and hobbies, have dinner with friends, etc. But whenever they do need a higher level of care such as assisted living, you don’t have to worry about where you will move them and how much it will cost. They’re already on a campus with an assisted living facility — they will simply be moved to a new room and, with a Type A contract, their monthly fee won’t even change as a result. If your parent is no longer independent and needs the help of assisted living or even skilled nursing care services now, Acts can help. We accept direct admittance from all over the East Coast.

Why Am I So Angry with My Elderly Parents?

As our parents age, the once naïve belief that they will always be an unchanging part of our lives begins to fade. Their hearing may weaken, their gait slows, and their memories dim. These changes can be distressing, often provoking feelings of anger, anxiety, fear, and frustration in adult children. This emotional turmoil is compounded by societal stereotypes that view aging negatively, which can intensify feelings of impatience and frustration when personally involved in caregiving. Despite these challenges and the deep love you have for your parents, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and even guilty as you navigate the complexities of their aging process.

How Can I Stop Being Frustrated with My Elderly Parents?

• Pick Your Battles: It’s especially important to remember what issues are worth fighting over when you’re feeling frustrated. Many power struggles are not worth winning.
• Be Calm and Sensitive: Remember to speak calmly and with love, tenderness, and compassion.
• Do Something Different: If your current communication strategy isn’t working, consider exploring new communication styles or settings.
• Ask Questions: Involving your parents in open and earnest conversations about their options can help them feel respected, which can deescalate tense situations.
• Choose Your Moments: Engage in important and possibly frustrating discussions when your parent is calm and relaxed.

What Should You Not Say to An Elderly Parent?

When communicating with your elderly parents, it's crucial to avoid phrases that could be perceived as accusatory or belittling. Certain statements can make them feel disrespected and diminished, which can escalate tensions. Instead of highlighting their limitations, approach conversations with empathy, focusing on their capabilities and respecting their autonomy. This tactful and considerate communication style can significantly enhance your interactions, fostering a more positive and supportive relationship. Avoid saying things like:

• “Why is this giving you trouble? It’s not that difficult.”
• "Didn’t you already mention that?”
• “Haven’t we covered this before?”
• “Why can’t you remember details about your family?”
• “You’re too old to live alone or drive anymore.”
• “What are you talking about?”
• "If you really tried, you could do this.”
• “Your house is a mess, you need help.”
• “Who is getting your assets when you die?”

Which Siblings Should Take Care of Parents?

Determining which sibling should take care of elderly parents varies from one family to another. Some families expect the oldest sibling to take on this role, but the practicality of each family’s unique circumstances should dictate how caregiving responsibilities are divided. Sometimes the sibling who lives closest to the parent ends up being the primary caregiver. Many families share caregiving responsibilities amongst all siblings. Some siblings don’t contribute at all. If you find yourself struggling with these responsibilities, you can always find support and help elsewhere.

Why is Caring for Elderly Parents So Hard?

Caring for elderly parents often disrupts the lives of adult children who may already be managing their own children, careers, partners, and other life challenges. Managing time to care for an elderly parent is challenging and can be particularly taxing once their health declines and they require more hands-on support for daily activities. And these health declines can leave caregivers feeling scared and powerless not knowing what to do. Family disagreements also often occur when making caregiving decisions. There are many challenging emotions that come with caring for elderly parents. [VIDEO]

Is an Assisted Living Community Right for Your Parent?

When you’re dealing with difficult elderly parents, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. At the end of the day, all you want to do is love them and provide them the best care possible—even when it’s hard. As you care for your aging parents, remember that there are plenty of resources available to help you out along the way.

Assisted living communities provide help with daily living. This gives you and your parents some space, while still offering you peace of mind in knowing that your parents are being cared for. If an assisted living community is a logical next step for your parents, you can start the process by finding some communities near you. Acts oversees some of the best in the country.

Where Can I Find More Resource?

Acts is a non-profit organization that has been doing this for a very long time. We have developed a number of helpful resources over the years. Here is a large library of content developed for adult children dealing with aging parents.

Here is a helpful library of content developed for adult children dealing with aging parents.